The Crying Tree of Mercury
by Kemis
Summary: A cold and rainy evening. Subaru listens the radio and thinks about the Sakurazukamori and their encounter at the Nakano Sun Plaza.


Disclaimers: The characters belong to CLAMP. The story is based on the song "The Crying Tree of Mercury" by The Smashing Pumpkins (from the album 'MACHINA, the machine of God').  
  
  
  
  
The Crying Tree of Mercury  
X/1999 songfic  
By Kemis  
  
  
  
The wind blowed the rain upon the glass. Subaru stared at the outside silently. The dark clouds hid the sun, covering the sky with a thick gloomy blanket. The radio speaker's annoying voice repeated again that it was late and urged the stragglers to go home for dinner.  
Subaru decided that he wouldn't eat, he wasn't hungry. He remained sitting near the window, his eyes glaring at the slim streak of smoke that was rising from the cigarette between his fingers, the light blue of the smoke almost white compared with the dusky color of the sky.  
His mind was white, blank, he didn't want to think about anything, knowing that a little thought was enough to remember the encounter at the Nakano Sun Plaza four days ago. He gazed as the rain clouded up the window.  
/'That annoying speaker finally shut up'/, he thought aloofly. The voice was replaced by a slow dull music. He closed his eyes, letting his head fall limply againt the cold glass, listening.  
  
  
//This is the song I've been singing my whole life  
I've been waiting like a knife  
To cut open your heart  
And bleed my soul to you//  
  
  
He flicked the ashes of his cigarette on the ashtray. He touched his chest absently, his hand upon the long wound, a wound that could not be inflicted by a weapon, a thin deep wound that could only be done by /that/ man.  
  
  
//I did it all for you  
You, and you, and you, and you//  
  
  
He was vaguely annoyed by the course of his thought, but he managed to steer his mind in another direction. He remembered the frail boy – barely more than a child, anyway – who was the Kamui of Dragons of Heaven. Subaru had seen his own pain in the wide purple eyes. He thought how his comforting words had risen the resolution in that amethyst pools – resolution that exceeded the limits of hopelessness, another unbearably familiar feeling.  
  
  
//This is the sound I've been making my whole life  
I've been waiting for this night  
To clear up all the talk//  
  
  
He heard in his head the words that they had said in the bottom of the boy's heart.  
/"...You do not mind if others think you're selfish?"/  
Slowly Kamui's form was replaced by a vision of a sixteen himself.  
/"...You do not care if others blame you?"/  
In his mind he saw himself speaking that words to his reflection in a mirror, on a lonely autumn afternoon.  
/"...You are not concerned even if nobody understands your wish?"/  
A gloomy and rainy afternoon, like today, the afternoon when he had made his decision, when he had chosen his path. He had known where that path went, he had known what he'd met, he had known what darkness he would welcome, but in his mind there has been only a thought.  
/"...I'm living for my Wish..."/  
  
  
//Although I'm selfish to a fault  
Is it selfish it's you I want  
You, I did it all for you//  
  
  
He couldn't avoid the Sakurazukamori's form floating in his mind, his eyes – one cold and milky, the other of a beautiful golden honey, but as cold as the glass one – and his smile, always motionless. Subaru hated that smile, that omnipresent mask worse than an indifferent expression. That smile, always on his face. Drinking tea together, or smoking a cigarette. Or killing an innocent. The smile never faded.  
The Sakurazukamori's image was being replaced by the one of the 'Seishiro-san' whom he had known during the Bet. The image of his amber eyes full of love and concern – full of /lies/ – and in spite of his efforts, he felt himself become again that naïve sixsteen-years-old, so trusting, caring and... in love.  
  
  
//This love will stand as long as you  
There's really no excuse  
I did it all for you//  
  
  
He felt a sudden moistness slip on his cheek against the window. He decided that it was only his breath against the cool glass, but then a drop fell on his parted lips. He tasted that salty taste and he could not keep denying the reality. Slowly he opened his eyes, still refusing to look at his reflection's green and tearful ones. Instead he looked at the city dressed of dark, like a black cloak upon which the raindrops were glimmering weakly in the dusk.  
  
  
//These are the tears I've been crying my whole life  
Like an ocean of desire//  
  
  
In his mind he replayed the brief encounter at the Nakano Sun Plaza, he felt again the large hand upon his, his warm breath on his fingers, the feeling of those sensual lips smiling against the back of his hand, against /his own mark/.  
Suddenly he felt his phantoms maul his heart, phantoms which he had avoited for four days.  
A part of him, the rational part, found it ridiculous that choices and the determination built in the last nine years had been impaired in few minutes, that few words and some light touch had lifted such fog around his spirit, counfusing him so much.  
  
  
//I'm reaching through the noise  
Across the dusk of time//  
  
  
He took a deep draught from his cigarette and fought to find again his emotional balance, to level that turmoil within his heart. He murmured the words that he had told Seishiro-san that day.  
/"...I was seeking you to grant my Wish..."/  
/"...I don't care for the future of this world..."/  
  
  
//Within the lilting lies   
I am singing out to you//  
  
  
He listened to the last verses of the song float and disperse in the air. His cigarette had gone out between his fingers, the ash had fallen on the carpet and a bit on his pants.  
He rested his forehead against the window again, pretending the cold that was wraping him up was the cold of the glass, the cold of that rainy evening, the cold of the apartment. Somewhere in his apartment his pager was ringing. Another job he was supposed to do, other people he was supposed to save.  
He closed his eyes and let the darkness invade his mind and his heart, lost in oblivion.  
  
  
  
  
  
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Create a definitive version of this story had been a difficult work (and I couldn't do it without Beth Winter's help with the translation). So, please, don't be too hard. If you like it, you'll be better to thank Beth. If you don't like it, you'll have to blame me. ^_^ R&R are welcomed! 


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